I didn’t really talk about it here, as it was really just too damn painful to talk about at the time, but last week, I finished dealing with a 2 week long stint of kidney stones. This was not the first time I’ve had them, but hopefully will be the last. For those of you who don’t know, kidney stones are about the most painful thing people can feel, and they are truly awful. Donna wanted to share a few insights about her experiences dealing with me while in pain:
Gripping the chair with two blanched knuckles, my husband stops, mid-sentence, to wince in pain. It’s been nearly a week, and the kidney stones have not let up. He’s still seeing patients, manages to return phone calls, keep up on his blog, and even stand-up and give a toast at his best friend’s wedding. Others could be clueless about the stones; the medical student marvels at Andy’s ability to hold it together while in the patient room, for example.
But for all these little heroics, the pain starts to fray him, and all of us, around the edges. Dealing with the kidney pain leaves him little energy for anything else and cuts his patience short. Forget the chores and although he wants to find affirmative ways to live in his body, the experience challenges our intimacy. Who could blame him, really?
Thankfully, the kidney stone passes after a week, but we discover that it’s left a cousin behind. By the end of the second week, the second stone passes. Within a day, I start to get back in touch with what an amazing, funny husband I have. “Andy’s back!” I post on Face Book. How wonderful.
Luckily, our ordeal was short-lived. It left me feeling a heightened sympathy not only for those in the Back Together world who live with pain, but for their beleaguered partners and children. I was too caught up in the experience to think of too many helpful tips this time around. But I did notice myself involved in a strategies that helped a bit. First, marveling at my husband’s heroics helped somewhat, (but I also allowed myself a cynical moment or two: “Great, he can keep it together for his patients, but what about the kids?”). Second, although I remained empathetic, I tried my hardest to not personalize his pain. Finally, I sought out the sympathetic ear of friends. This was easy, because everyone knows how trulyawful kidney stones are. As well, when I complained, I didn’t do it too loudly or too often, so I don’t think that people felt like I sounded like a broken record.
During this little ordeal, I don’t think that I evolved great insights about living with a partner who is in pain. I simply renewed my sympathies. I wonder what others out there do or need and I invite those of you whose partners live in pain to share their thought and strategies.
In appreciation,
Donna
