Gripping the chair with two blanched knuckles, my husband stops, mid-sentence, to wince in pain.  It’s been nearly a week, and the kidney stones have not let up.  He’s still seeing patients, manages to return phone calls, keep up on his blog, and even stand-up and give a toast at his best friend’s wedding.  Others could be clueless about the stones; the medical student marvels at Andy’s ability to hold it together while in the patient room, for example.

But for all these little heroics, the pain starts to fray him, and all of us, around the edges.  Dealing with the kidney pain leaves him little energy for anything else and cuts his patience short.    Forget the chores and although he wants to find affirmative ways to live in his body, the experience challenges our intimacy.  Who could blame him, really?

Thankfully, the kidney stone passes after a week, but we discover that it’s left a cousin behind.  By the end of the second week, the second stone passes.  Within a day, I start to get back in touch with what an amazing, funny husband I have.  “Andy’s back!” I post on Face Book.  How wonderful.

Luckily, our ordeal was short-lived.  It left me feeling a heightened sympathy not only for those in the Back Together world who live with pain, but for their beleaguered partners and children.  I was too caught up in the experience to think of too many helpful tips this time around.  But I did notice myself involved in a strategies that helped a bit.  First, marveling at my husband’s heroics helped somewhat, (but I also allowed myself a cynical moment or two: “Great, he can keep it together for his patients, but what about the kids?”).  Second, although I remained empathetic, I tried my hardest to not personalize his pain.   Finally, I sought out the sympathetic ear of friends.  This was easy, because everyone knows how trulyawful kidney stones are.  As well, when I complained, I didn’t do it too loudly or too often, so I don’t think that people felt like I sounded like a broken record.

During this little ordeal, I don’t think that I evolved great insights about living with a partner who is in pain.  I simply renewed my sympathies.  I wonder what others out there do or need and I invite those of you whose partners live in pain to share their thought and strategies.

In appreciation,

Donna

Lately, I’ve been on a journey to be fully present, particularly when Iʼm eating. This means savoring my food, really tasting it, and funny as it may seem, sitting down to eat. As a busy mother, or perhaps thatʼs just the excuse, I found myself ingesting way too many calories while standing up. Thereʼs likely a myth at work there that suggests that the calories somehow donʼt count if youʼre not actually sitting down while you eat. Or that eating isnʼt important enough and needs to be rushed. But the problem with that approach is that itʼs rarely satisfying. So I was lucky enough this past weekend to come across Geneen Rothʼs well-titled book, When You Eat At the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair: 50 Ways to Feel Thin, Gorgeous, and Happy (When you Feel Anything But). Roth explores the relationship between food and emotion in a way that offers self- compassion. Her work really speaks to me. So lately Iʼm trying to really taste my food. To feel it in my mouth and savor it. Iʼm finding that Iʼm eating more slowly, enjoying myself and, for the first time in my life, feeling really full regardless of how much food is left on the plate.

This experience of savoring my food also has positive consequences for savoring the present and being in the proverbial “moment.” How many of us move through much of our lives distracted by other moments, either dwelling in the past, worried about the future, or distracted technologies that take us out of our here and now? So, in the interest of urging you to be kind to yourself, Iʼm going to echo Geneen Rothʼs wish for her readers: I urge you to take five minutes each day to be fully present and grounded. Take some deep breaths to draw you into your body and into this moment. Notice sensory things, like the feel of the ground beneath your feet or the chair beneath your bum. If youʼre outside, notice the sun on your skin. If youʼre drinking something, feel it in your mouth and as it moves down your throat. If youʼre washing your hands, feel the soap on your skin; if youʼre having a conversation with someone, do what you can to be with them as fully as possible. If youʼre living with pain, notice the pain and the parts that feel good. If youʼre with someone you care about, just savor their presence. If youʼre alone, enjoy the gift of being with yourself.

Please be kind to yourself and be here, in this moment with all your presence and all your heart.

-Donna H. Kirschner, PhD.

Thank you to Donna for your post, and thank you for visiting. Be well!

-Andy

Philadelphia Eagles Training Camp will be creeping up on us soon....

Ok, so if you know anyone who is applying to college or graduate school, my wife Donna has just launched her exciting new website, youradmissionessay.com. I am so proud of the work she is doing to help students from all over present themselves to the schools of their choice in the best light possible. Please give it a look. HER blog is coming soon!

One of the most effective techniques that we offer laboring couples, the tension/relaxation body scan, can be a great way to promote relaxation under any circumstance. You can work this technique as a couple or alone.  It works any time of day and some people find it especially helpful to promote sleep.  I often used it on my daughters if they’re a little antsy at bedtime.  When you work on it as a couple, you have the added benefit of the partner learning what tension and relaxation actually feel like in each of the muscle groups.  I will refer to the person experiencing the relaxation as the “subject” and the person guiding the technique as the “partner.” My husband and I have found that this type of technique is great for helping with back discomfort.

This technique works best when lying down, but can work anywhere in a pinch.

Have the subject lie down in a comfortable position.  Beginning with the forehead as them to tense up the muscle group.  Then say something like, “This is tension.  This is what we want to eliminate.”  Then ask the subject to relax and affirm that action with, “This is relaxation.  This is what we want.”  Next, take  the subject through the following body areas, using the same procedure of tension/relaxation and the same script:  Have them: scrunch up and then relax their nose and cheeks, clench and then relax their jaw, tense and relax their neck, shoulders, upper arms, lower arms, hands, chest, stomach, groin, buttocks, thighs, calves, feet and toes.  When you have completed this body scan, have them tense and relax their full bodies.  Remind them that they are in a state of physical relaxation and that this is good.

Many people find that it helps if the partner touches each of these areas.  This helps both because it physically guides the subject and because it teaches the partner what tension and relaxation feel like in the subject’s body areas.

You may find over time that you can alter the script a bit, making it your own.  The key is to work together to promote a sense of relaxation for both of you.  I also urge you to reverse the roles every once in a while.  This benefits both the partner, who then gets to receive the relaxation and both partners by promoting a sense of empathy.  Have fun with this and happy relaxing!

Thanks Donna.

This is just one relaxation ‘script’- I found a website which outlines a whole bunch, and while they are kind of crunchy, they do seem helpful. Take a look here.

It sounds like telling someone to relax would be an obvious help for pain conditions, but you would be surprised how few people take the initiative to give themselves the gift of a few minutes of relaxation a day. Keep in mind that physical relaxation and mental relaxation can both have positive benefits and that some activities can relax both the body and mind. One thing I do is try to set aside a small portion of every day to play the piano, and both my body and mind are acutely aware of the days when I don’t find the time.

The magnificent Black Forrest Steinway.